im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
