Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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