Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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