Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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