it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize