If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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