i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
