my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
