she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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