Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
