Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
