I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
