The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
