I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
