last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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