I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
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I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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