I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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