So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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