would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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