you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
