i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
