Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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