i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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