Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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