I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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