"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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