He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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