Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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