i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
