the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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