I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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