Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The air was thick with penises
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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