I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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