1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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