Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
a search helicopter?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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