you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.