I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you didnt know i had herpes?
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You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
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Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.