i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
