he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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