Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
