I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
