that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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