2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
me + whiskey = a bad person
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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