I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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