Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
