i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I die, sorry about rent.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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