Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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