I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
