I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
