I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
