I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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