Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude i'm inner monologue high
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
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I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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