Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
