Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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