9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
