weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
