life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
