sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
