she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
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Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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