omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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